its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
