Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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