The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
