I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
