He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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