Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
