And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
