Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
