I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Are we still banned from the library?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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