he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
