Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
