Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize
