i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
