My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
