you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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