I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Randomize
