Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
