My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
