Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
