The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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