Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
