Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Even my vagina gasped.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
