It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
