Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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