This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
