It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
