Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
