I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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