I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
