i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Randomize