I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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