This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
i need some magic done to my vagina
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
