My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
