rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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