All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
