There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
