any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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