Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
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