Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
