guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
