I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize