So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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