I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
