I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Enjoy the penises
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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