Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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