jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Congratulations! We have a period
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