Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Randomize
