Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
