Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
