we have pet lesbian snakes
found the other keg... it's in the tree
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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