Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
