my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
