mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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