I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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