He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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