He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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