I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
