Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
