dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
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