Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
