Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
