I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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