I will die if light touches me.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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