swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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