Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Randomize
