While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
