Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
