Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
This house was built for laser tag.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
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