Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
