If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
third nipple confirmed
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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