I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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