When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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