I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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