capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
